Im just still so lost. But at the end of the day it was about the kids, how do I go from a dad with an ex-wife and two kids with a mother, who was active with them up until the last 20 minutes of her life to this? Most days I cant not think about him. It feels very stigmatising sometimes to be bereaved by suicide and to also feel like its a relief because the person was abusive and their death by whatever means equals them not being able to hurt me again. Her next attempt was slitting her wrists in the bathtub her mother and father found her,she back to the same institution for a few weeks more therapy and a change in medication. My daughter took her life with a gun a little over 3 years ago. Your sisters and mom are coping in their own way. Even if they piss you off. Instead, I worried about my medical issues. and in Isaiah 60: 1 Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. 10 minutes later, he shot himself on my back steps. Sometimes I think I am moving forward a little and then I slip back. She left suicide notes we cant have them until after the investigation. But, it can be there Shame is prevalent for alot of survivors as well as guilt. I knew him better and have spent more time with him than with anyone else. If you find one and it doesnt help, find another one. My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. I facilitated and lead my brother to run away from home and kill himself. I was with him every day for the past year working with him and he thought me everything I know. Subscribe to stay up to date on all our posts. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. My son passed away on the 16/11/2019 and he killed him self. He had a strange relationship with his brother, which he stated he felt second best. He had a bright future ahead with a new company he joined and he had no financial worries. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. He cried again while the song: Love of My Life, came on. If any of you are familiar with the idea of attachment styles, it feels as though the loss of my mother completely obliterated any secure attachments I had and I feel stuck in this space of anxious attachment (fearful that small inconsequential things will ruin the relationship, excessive fear of abandonment, etc.). He loved both of his children dearly. We just cant wrap our heads around it. You may want to check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-sleep/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/ All the best to you and your family. Thank you, kind strangers, for showing me a little glimpse of the compassionate side of Reddit. Many of our friends neighbors and family has never contacted me. I have been through that box so many times, but on this day i went through some of his study notes. I wish Id been a better son. Just to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for helping me become who I am in so many ways. Right now I talk from the other side of the glass. Morning comes, I walk to hers.. Police are there, I asked what happened!? I did not know why, this hurts so bad or if only. I have been reading through your message. Self-care and all that. It was difficult for me at first, but we supported him with his hormone therapy and mastectomy. I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. Julie, Im so sorry for your loss. While everyones journey is unique, numerous patients with paranoid schizophrenia are effectively treated and cured with their mode of treatment. My one wish is that you have found peace. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. Ive become recluse as of late. But sustainable happiness always seemed to allude him. I called that friend and asked if she heard or knew anything because that is not something you can ask the family. Not him. The thought that he is no longer physically present in this world is too unbearable to imagine. suicide can have such a devastating impact on the lives of those who are left behind, feelings of anger, grief, betrayal, confusion and hurt are normal, however when left unspoken can warp someones world into the depths of hell. I as a studying therapist have always had faith our mental health system was working on getting better now its hard for me to trust at all. I lost my mom to suicide 7 months ago. He began to learn to drive and expressed a wish to go back to finish school via a correspondence course. Friends have drowned, overdosed, been murdered, car accidents, disease, and nothing hurts quite like this. Absolute heart break, I lost my brother on the 19 of November. I managed to connect with some other friends of his. Jackie davis January 27, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply, My mother died by suicide February 11,2016.. next month will be 3 years . My mother died 5 years ago having never told me the truth. Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:13 am Reply. The year before he died he was studying nursing. We had text daily for a long time, I always knew he was unhappy, but not that kind of unhappy. My little sister killed herself 10 years ago, she was 20. Stability was maintained until puberty hitI cannot even remember all that happened it was so fastI was working to support everyone and every one had their own needs and everything went every which way.. Jamey December 23, 2018 at 11:12 pm Reply. Six weeks later he hanged himself. i am failing to move on, and i wonder if ever the wound will heal. I just dont understand how I didnt see this coming and really wish I had done something before it was too late. Only you know what can keep you putting one foot in front of the other, and no matter what that is, do it, and keep doing it. Thank you all for sharing your grief experience. My son died from depression related to bi-polar disorder on 9-4-2017. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. Parisa August 20, 2020 at 11:05 pm Reply, After 24 hours being missing they found hermy sons fianc. So far, I have coped with my loss by attending two sessions of a general bereavement group. I would like so badly to rebut the psychological effects of grief, blame and transference of power. I lost my husband to ALS, and 2 years later my oldest son died from ALS, then 4 months after that my youngest son died by suicide. My older sister was sometimes mean to me, and I was mean to her. I also believe that he knew it would be me who found him, and maybe that was his way of pushing his destructive narcissism onto me one last time. Call on your personal faith and values to help you through. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. Now is when I believe everything changed cuz till this moment there was hope there was a chance. Katie February 24, 2020 at 11:44 pm Reply. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. The kind that never ends. Did everything together. Its tragic, and it doesnt seem like its my new reality but I know that it is. Its a lonely existence because I think friends avoid me so we dont have to talk about it or they don t know what to say. The police took her phone and her diary. I no longer feel like anything matters anymore. She Slays: Here's how I coped with my brother's suicide - Healthshots I have several irrational regrets that just wont fade, despite the logical side of me refuting them. IsabelleS October 19, 2020 at 11:20 am Reply, John, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. I just lost my son to apparent suicide, although he is listed in the archives as missing. They have been immensely helpful & supportive for me and my son. Lorraine Malonson April 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm Reply. Do not put your family through this. www.rhondafrankhouserbooks.com. I am so sorry for your loss. My mother was one of the 41,149 suicides in 2013, and this blog had been a huge part of my healing. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! I dont say committed because it sounds like he is guilty of something. He was only 14 years old. June Hutson November 12, 2019 at 4:21 pm Reply. It effected my family, my kid, my relationship, my sex life and sunk me way deeper into depression. I just keep thinking about what could have happened if I have of texted him that morning. We cant see them but i know I feel him. Hug your loved ones tight tonight, and never miss an opportunity to tell them what they mean to you, I beg of you. My heart goes out to especially knowing how much his pain feels. He is with you everywhere you are, Liz, and everywhere you go. He and I met many years ago, and we felt so intrigued-we recognized each other and wanted very much to date, but I was very scared and pulled away. I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldnt be around her anymore. I go to therapy. All the best to you. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. Perhaps if it wasnt this time, he would have died the next time. Chuck was also a man not used to losing, and when Jimmy managed to not only beat Chuck . She didnt write a good bye but her journals gave us a peek into her life of pain. ! Then the next page was torn out. I run a subreddit called r/LastImages, and people post the last images of their loved ones. July 17, 2019 at 8:36 am Reply. One of the hardest things in the world is mourning someone who is still alive. When I gave birth to a stillborn baby, I knew it was at least a comparatively normal death that many other women have endured. Ilene January 29, 2019 at 12:05 am Reply. You should look into grief counseling. Screaming, shaking. That is beyond comprehension to me. I got to the house and her mother invited me in for tea. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. She was a married women, but I learned I would do anything to keep her in my life because we had such a strong connection. Its okay if you never feel angry There is no right way to grieve. All the best to you. It never gets better but it does get easier with time. I wanted to take the time to encourage you never to give up, It is not my intent to persuade or convince anyone, nor should it be considered a replacement for sound medical advice but rather for you to know there is an optional treatment, completely natural and has no side effects. Because to do anything else will not help you or your husband . Anonymous September 3, 2021 at 7:48 am Reply. He hugged me tight and told me hed see me tomorrow. Its now been 2 years I still break down on occasions I miss her so much and I have ptsd I cant drive at night behind a ambulance I get flash backs and when the time gets closer to that night she killed herself oct 24th they get worse. I wish you a future filled with happiness that you make for yourself, and that you share with those you love. The men we think are the strongest sometimes are the ones in the most pain and best at hiding it. At 16 i was a dependant drug addict struggling with severe anxiety, depression and ptsd, by the age of 17 i was in and out of trouble with the law and in a dangerous abusive relationship,and by the age of 18 i was a single parent. Im so confused about how Im feeling most of the time. An amazing friend killed himself 51 weeks ago. It was the first time I been to his house for months and we even socially distanced. All of the pain and anger and relief and stress you will experience is normal, and although I may not be a counselor or a therapist, you can contact me at matthewenzel@gmail.com if you need to talk about it. it haunts me thinking what he must have felt to lead him to this. October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. We made so many unforgettable memories. I didnt want him back or anything like that, and I didnt miss being with him. You see her slowly slump forward and notice little things, like her hair blowing in the air condition. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didnt want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. He was on a split from his g/friend that he didnt want. I am so lost because of the circumstances we cannot have memorial until July 7 ,2018. Ride those waves and sit in the hurt. It wasnt selfish to me, it was a disease that finally took him. You are the most important person in your life yes, you should think about others and do all that you can to help them, too, but you should always come first on the basest level. Reading these comments has helped me to see that I am not alone in my pain. Really gone. Having suicidal thoughts is common. I feel so awkward walking past it to get to my porch, like Im trespassing. Selfishly, I would still rather he still be here alive and part of the family. I know she will continue to hug my heart every single day of my life. This is consuming me. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from knowing they are no longer in physical pain. I have had a very hard time trying to cope with these losses. AshlynnStamps April 18, 2019 at 11:27 pm Reply. He was hysterical, and called fir help. After some questioning which kind of turned into arguing. I truly hope that you read this and it helps in some way no matter how small. It hurts living with this pain everyday. My sister fell or jumped off a very tall bridge outside of the friends house i was staying at 4 years ago. we discussed this with the urologist who prescribed the Rx who informed us to cut back on the medication and discussed a surgical alternative which was our plan. He married and had two children. I also want to die. Marcus figueiredo November 28, 2018 at 12:39 pm Reply. Im lost, I dont know how to live without him, Im feeling so empty. I have reached out to a counselor I know I need help. Im sad. Thank you for the love and words of advice, kind stranger. We Asked a Psychologist How to Tell If Your Relative Is a Murderer - Vice Justin Johnson July 25, 2019 at 11:11 pm Reply. And he called unto him the twelve, and began to send them forth by two and two; and gave them power over unclean spirits; and commanded them that they should take nothing for their journey, save a staff only; no scrip, no bread, no money in their purse: but be shod with sandals; and not put on two coats. We started a search for our son when he was 18 and he for us. You can also subscribe without commenting. No note. Gerald H Bokor May 23, 2019 at 10:47 am Reply. three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. I wasnt able to attend her funeral, for a variety of reasons. There are only so many allowances you can afford someone in their grief. My friend took his life with his first attempt. Hope everyone comes together and shares there thoughts and thanks for me letting this out . I am writing this in hopes that someone thinking about suicide will read this. I would call David, and there was a 2 day period in which I could not get ahold of him from work. He was never treated or diagnosed with anything related to mental health disorders. She was beautiful, talented, loved and happy. The family decides to keep the suicide a secret. Heavy sedation and paralyss medication. 02 Mar 2023 14:27:40 I prayed to the Divine Creator to bless all the house, and to sanctify the room where they died. Ive just burst into tears, my little brother committed suicide April 19th 2018 too your words resonate with me, my little brother bear was the love of my life it is earth shattering. He was on a ventilator. But I have to stay strong for my baby girl and husband! He was in a t-shirt so his arms were exposed. Seeing all the people that loved him and reading about the things he did for people. I assume you are dealing with something similar. He knew it was going to hurt us but he also knew Id b ok. So until my husband had passed 43 and my children older than 11 and 9, I lived in dread. He was certainly going through some things that are independent of your relationship. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years. Jovanie Serrano, Heather Thorne April 18, 2022 at 11:35 am Reply. How is that possible. Someone that has been through something similar. My mom ended her life on 05/20/2018 I found her she still had a pulse I was on the phone screaming at 911 to get here fast I heard my mom take her last breath knowing there was nothing I could do to save her because she shot herself in the head behind her right ear and she was taking a blood thinner, the Sheriff finally showed up like 30 minutes later and then the ambulance I was standing outside bawling trying to understand why the officer came outside to me and told me he was sorry for my loss I just hit the ground screaming no and crying my eyes out. After all these years, my fathers death still affects me. I have all these pain that I do not know how to deal with it. She said she wasnt sure how he even made it home. I dont know what Im going to do. I just want to hug him too.sometimes it hard to swallow that I wont see him ever again and it hurts..hugs to you and your family this holiday season, Mom of Tom December 14, 2018 at 12:24 pm. he said he had lost all hope. Ive been on a soapbox for three and a half years and dont intend to shut up just for somebody elses sake. I miss them both so terribly. My wife took her life almost 8 years ago. How do I forgive him..? I try to remember the good times , but I always end up envisioning what his death was like. That spark will grow to light your way out of the hell youre in now. Whos dead? I loved him more than life itself. By going through his phone it was clear it was an everyday thing. dealing with things has been difficult. When we said goodbye, it was always blowing a kiss and saying love you long time, partner. No amount of words can express how deeply wounded I feel . As I sit here, my heart is brokenso broken. And then everyone will know Im a killer. One week ago my grandfather jumped in front of the metro. We did go out for supper before I left and I did ask if it was ok if I go as planned, to which he nodded yes. And while we loved him, he was often difficult to be around and very hard to get close to. I know how very sad and scared you are. My heart goes out to each and every one of you and as others have suggested here: seek help. I miss the part of me that died with him. My husband worries a lot but has to work, so its me at home with my kids and this grief inside me trying to take over. That being said, that doesnt make your pain any easier or any less valid. but here I sit. The police came in to inform us that she hanged herself in a homeless unit, her partner found her and they tried to revive her. This book is the honest frank story of the first 4 years after my Son departed via suicide. You are loved. At night he made himself something to eat, went to the mountain that we stare when looking out the window of our parents house. hes a over the road truck driver so I couldnt just wait for him to come home. Lots of his search history was about mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and of course pedophilia. All the best. He had almost the same situation and turned to drugs also. I begged his family to help, but they didnt want to acknowledge his mental illness and addiction because that would damage their reputation. hugs I think he very well possibly had some kind of undiagnosed mental illness going on that contributed to it. We live with the what ifs and whys everyday. I lost my younger sister to suicide by hanging in June 2018 in NYC. Im ashamed of myself, I am a mistake of human life. And now I am going through same kind of pain I m depressed I just want to talk to her because we didnt talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. Sammy J Behrens November 12, 2018 at 3:02 am Reply. I miss him terribly everyday of my life and will until I take my last breath and beyond. Chuck took great pride in his legal abilities and knowledge, and his intellect in general. I dont know if thats something youd be interested in, but its there if youd like to look at it.). He somehow convinced me that I should want to help him with his chores or eat the food he didnt like for dinner so he could be excused. i love him so much. I met him a day before he decided to end his life. Take Care! My heart keeps breaking for those teenage and preteen girls. I had been raising his two children since there mothers passed. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. Meanwhile, his Spirit/Soul is with you everyday, here on Earth. Came with a great amount of effort. My dearest darling friend just died yesterday and she lived like this for over a decade. how could i know i was never see him again? They had my grandson move the car out to give them room. The blame and guilt is suffocating. Rhonda Frankhouser. I totally identify with the pain. Which was strange because we rarely fought He was so talented in so many ways. My boyfriend/fianc/husband. One breath at a time is how you get through it. Our house is just eerily quite now, everything is different now. Never been able to have a successful relationship. With my personal experiences alcohol & drug addiction are being left out of the equation when discussing suicide prevention. What to Say When a Friend's Loved One Dies by Suicide | SELF Its hard for me to say he died by suicide, because it was depression that took his life. Linda M Osmon April 4, 2018 at 9:31 pm Reply. We exchanged gifts and gave each other a huge hug before I left. I broke off the engagement (lost all my parents money towards the wedding) because I asked him to get help. When My Brother Took His Life, I Wanted to Follow | AFSP Your time. He expected to spend the rest of his life with her & now it is over. My husband ended his walk through this life in June 2019. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. It was a total shock and sursprise to all of us. When we could finally go back into the STICU he didnt look himself. My boss and mentor killed himself last week. We had been drinking and he pulled over for drunk driving. I know youre trying to figure it out as we both have come to this website. I just hope that wherever he is, he is happy now, free from his sadness and anxiety. We were naive also, but we are trying to remember good memories of her, and hard lessons that she has taught us. And then theres the loneliness. All Im doing right now is trying to make sense of all of this. I know he doesnt suffer now but I also know I feel so selfish to want him with me! I lost my wife when she took her life close to 8 years ago. Before she took her life she told her mother she didnt feel the medication was working and the visits to the institution were a waste of time. And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes also physical) pain. Different family members come up with varying explanations for why their loved one died by suicide. She never really had a father figure. I know she was suffering and try to find peace knowing she is no longer in pain and is with my brother again. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. Same with my brother. I had taken care of my little girl for 35 years with his help. Maybe we could talk a bit. But I have a son- so its not that simple. That title is amazing! Most know how doctors are. He had been frustrated for a long time. I tried to catch him but he was much faster than me and i wasn't in a good state as it was. Love your family and friends. He then told me he was going to bed and if he woke up he would call me. My 24-year-old son took his life last month. He didnt believe in himself tho. Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. Its hard to watch a loved one go through that, but at the end of the day, all of it has its place in life. I dont know what else to say. Social distance. Cassandra December 29, 2020 at 11:29 pm Reply. But I cant. Hanging from a tree, from the rope that i'd seen laying on his bed a few days earlier. Worst day of my life. He was such a good boy. But I got worried at his absence and checked to find him, discovering then that he was dead. Six weeks ago I knew how much my brother loved me and now Im struggling to not feel like he wanted to put me through watching him die. I know that he wasnt having a good time of lifeit just became too much for him. Its been about a year and a half since it happened. Ride Peace through Connection with Self Spirit Nature. After receiving the death certificate I had a friend who sometimes works in partnership with the medical examiner schedule a meeting with the medical examiner to get more information about how the cause of death was determined, and after receiving that information I spoke privately with each of my immediate family members to share what I had learned. I cant believe that two young men are now gone from the same area in less than a year. Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. I was just a little girl. My brother hung himself on Jan 7, 2109, my heart if so filled with grief it is comsuming. Its so hard because I want to be thinking about our memories and time together and I want to be able to grieve but I feel like I cant because of the ptsd every time I think of him everything is clouded by horrible images. I pray the unjustice his sister and son (who were estranged from him) will get their Karma. He overdose on some pills and I found him died on our bed. Feeling okay again will take time. Her death ripped me apart. So much more I cannot fit here now. Thanks for letting me vent! . The cops came and I told my brother to run home and hide bc before they got there bc he had gotten in trouble before I hadnt. This doesnt mean that the person grieving the loss wouldnt trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they dont also feel intense pain and sadness. Its painful enough without having to worry how to phrase something when you talk about your loved one. I tried to commit suicide more than once, twice while he was alive and three times since then. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family? Even though we were divorced and often at odds, his death has truly gutted me. I will not let this destroy me, own me forever. My boyfriend of 14 years and father of our 4 boys (all under the age of 8) attempted suicide on October 27th, 2018. While this was going on she was going to school ,playing sports and cheerleading, she was missing a lot of school but because she was smart was able to catch up , when in school spent so much time in the nurses office having anxiety attacks daily. My roommate did the same thing, left to be with her family. I wish I spoke to him sooner, Rachael January 5, 2020 at 11:17 pm Reply. Jacob was essentially the foundation of my growth. At one point calling the 24 hour line in a crisis and having a message taken and no one returning my call. Can I kindly ask if you know which books helped you? She leaned over me and told me she needed to go on a journey and research the sun to heal, and that it may be couple years before she is able to reach out again. She keeps saying if I had texted one day earlier, maybe he wouldnt have done it and maybe because I took so long to get back to him, he thinks I rejected him. The list goes on and on. I walk out to my kitchen to hear the news that my brother has hung himself. Hi, FallenAngel. 2 days ago another of my friends took her life. I wont waste time on introductions because theres a lot to cover. He didnt deserve to die like this. . Thank you. Jim in VA March 24, 2019 at 8:22 am Reply. He was the most important person in my life, Ive never been more myself with anyone, and so everything we shared is put into question now. We typically useWortman & Latack (2015)sdefinition of traumatic loss: A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved ones body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust..