I wish people could just say I want to do (thing) do you want to do (thing) with me?, All I can tell ya is what I have been doing for years: Spot on, thank you. It forces the manipulators to cough up some version of their agendas, and galvanizes the friends with vague plans into issuing an actual invitation. Can I get back to you later? In truth that is an honest answer, my schedule would fall like a house of cards without my calendar and unless it is an emergency I truly have to check it. Eating. How are you? Maybe you can Google it. I can vouch for this strategy! Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). Work it like a weekend warrior! after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. What to Reply to "Hey"? 19 Effective Text Responses - Trending Us I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. And I hate being rude, also as a woman I am hardcore trained to not ever be rude, so at this point for me sticking to my guns and saying no, I cant do that thing with you (even though this person now knows I technically CAN) is very difficult because it turns into: I dont WANT to do this thing with you, and thats a no-no (around here, I mean). a s h l e y. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. Bonus points if you say something that makes zero sense, but you end up getting your family to look at you like a genius anyway. Also my spouse and I have given each other full permission to use the other one as an excuse whenever needed. I don't know, you tell me. It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. What are you doing this weekend? Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. That question from certain people stresses me too! To her it was rude. Something like this happens every single time. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. I like to respond with Doing nothing. I kind of resent that you assume I will tell you.. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. So when I get a what are you doing after work Friday? text halfway through work on Thursday just tell me what youre going to suggest in the same message. You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. My instinct leads me to: answer back in the affirmative (great) because Performing Happy is expected of us, thank them for their interest (thanks), and repeat the gesture (yourself?). A friend tricked me into agreeing to babysit her kid once using exactly that so what are you doing on X day approach. 150+ Funny and Witty Answers to the Question "How Are You?" 2. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. Answer vaguely. I say nothing much and the other person responds, yeah, its nice to be lazy sometimes, right? And I dont want to get into how no, its not lazy to need time to recuperate and our society puts too much pressure on needing to be constantly productive and not respect ourselves as people. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. What a mess. Anything fun planned? Amusing to think of borrowing a line from upthread: Well, it sounds like youre inviting me to something interesting! But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! BUT! Helen Huntington already explained it very well. Well, now I know? Sorry, Im busy. Others also have lives to plan and need to know (cancel event, find someone else, make other plans). Crossword puzzles, chess, sudoku, or other puzzle games Cooking Travel Gardening Art, music, crafts, writing, podcasting Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? 110 Weekend Quotes to Wish You a Restful Break - Quote Ambition He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. In fact this letter reminds me a lot of a lady I knew once who moved to the US from a different english-speaking country and took offense to people asking her where she was from when they heard her accent. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. Then we give a quick heads up to each other in the event that the person asking (such as mother-in-laws) will then turn right around and call spouse. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. My go-to script for these (which I HATE) is an equally noncommittal, Why, whats up? Im not saying I do or dont have plans, but Im going to figure out why theyre asking me the question. Although it can be asked in the ways LW talks about too, usually for me it is just a way of sharing life with friends and doesnt have much motivation beyond that. With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. BLah, I realized I didnt finish the thought, I suppose that before I started responding that way they thought I was sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark.. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. Where I live, in Sweden, you can ask your family, friends, coworkers etc How are you? and the reply would typically be somewhere between Its good and Im a litte tired because the baby has a cold, but otherwise things are good, but never Kind of bad, my depression is making life really dark right now (at least not when used as a small-talk question). 13 "It was so relaxing. The person is saying something factually incorrect. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it. 53 Fun Things You Can Do This Weekend - LifeHack Is it just me? LW is pretty clearly not talking so much about people making casual small talk as people being roundabout manipulative. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? We assume you wont want to share all your more detailed baggage or bad news with someone you dont know very well and we are a little taken aback if you actually do because it indicates that you feel a level of closeness with us that we didnt necessarily feel with you. (Seriously? To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. Do you have time to talk?" "What Are You Up To?" Can Be a Way to Ask "Are You Busy?" Here's another example: Jana: Hi Rob, how are you? I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. I may need some babysitting Thanks! 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? How Are You Doing? How to Introduce Yourself in English And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. Its just one of the normal options. Indeed. What you are currently doing. This one calls for what I call the Gladys response, because I saw it articulated by a woman named Gladys. @Kacienna: Im saying that because in other posts, people have literally advocated for saying just No, thanks! to an overture like We should get coffee sometime. And I mean that is not just going to burn bridges, that is going to blow them up, and not just with the person youre speaking toits going to look Super Off to observers and cost you with them as well. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being. 3. Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. I actually have an answer for this one. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun This applies in other areas of life too. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. Although I have one co-worker who apparently does laundry on weekdays sometimes. Flip the question back on them. Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. Its not so much about stopping the question before it comes (pretty much impossible!) The cousin wanting a servant. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). The fallout you talk about? Its the same here. I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. Acquaintances or co-workers get a vague answer, like, {5 words to say Im in/out of town or am/arent super booked}, then, What are you up to? because its really just small talk. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. and then if I do end up wanting to do whatever it is they want to do, suddenly my schedule cleared up! So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. Ive had trouble with that one, too. and get back to work.) All five are information-seeking: listen closely, and you will learn something about that person's life, character, and ideas. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. How To Answer "What Do You Do For Fun?" (With Examples) In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. Going back to work? And take LWs at their word, maybe? have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). You're very welcome. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. This will not go away. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. You can help!'. I wish that just once I had the wherewithal to respond to a manipulative invitation like LW describes with the classic Phoebe Buffet line: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to.. (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). Then you can do x with/for me! just blatantly assuming that if you are free, then you will obviously want to do this thing. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! Weekend gone! If you want! (via Shutterstock) 7. person: Hey, hiya, rya? (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. We all had too much to drink and passed out at Dan's house!" Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. I usually list a few of the things Im doing and treat it as a conversation starter, i.e., ask them about their weekend. Plus, young women and girls arent stupid they know that most people will view them as being at the absolute bottom of the dominance pecking order and will resent it if they dont answer questions put to them. Okay, there is something a bit screwy with this guy. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. I like to use Oh, you know, just some of the usual weekend stuff. You know, I just had a *very* amusing misunderstanding with a facebook friend who was ranting about MLM (which I thought was the wlw type of MLM). We need to have lunch soon. Okay, then invite me, and dont hint for an invitation. Yep yep yep. Yes, this. Because this is very much a dumb conversation filler question and its not going to go away anytime soon. I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. I have a group of friends now whom I trust not to give me a hard time about the explicit choice to paint my toenails in front of Netflix instead of going out. I cant quite tell from your letter if thats the real issue, and I dont think there is any answer to the weekend question that will prevent you from sometimes having to say no to things when the other person wants you to say yes. (FWIW, Im not that extreme myself. They say hey, and you reply with the same. I suspect some of the people who are giving a vaguer yeah to the lets hang out have answered what they thought was an actual suggestion with Saturdays are good for me and gotten um, er, Im kind of busy these days, Ill call you and never hearing back. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. We should definetely try to avoid stealth scheduling questions. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). You just need to say, like, Oh, not sure yet, how about you?. 3. Sometimes people respond in a very vague way (oh just some family stuff), which will tell me that its private or they just dont want to discuss it with me and Ill drop it and switch topics. All of these. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. I was never taught that was the correct answer. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. This might just be a difference in communication styles. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. I really appreciate the feedback from the Captain and other commenters about the need to own my time and feel more confident in my right to respond when and how I want to. When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. Its just small talk! Ill let you know closer to the day if thats okay. If it requires more notice, I tell them to count me out. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Am I supposed to answer? "It's happening.". It means Im doing nothing., Glorying in my splendid solitude how about you?. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. Or IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. 20 Funny Out-of-Office Messages to Inspire Your Own [+ Templates] - HubSpot The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. While we're sure there are plenty more things people do for fun, these are some good hobbies to mention: Outdoors activities like rock climbing, hiking, cycling, etc. Of course, he keeps doing it his way, so I just ask dunno, why? My DH reminds me when predictable events are coming up and advises me to fill up my calendar! that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. For me, it makes saying no so much harder. etc. When I asked him later, What the heck? Makes sense. The lines of dominance and power are what make this a problem. And even if she did pay money (not rentbut to share in the household expense, which is different from rent, even if it is the same amount of money), I would still consider her to be part of my family and as such why WOULDNT she pitch in when I needed her to? Thanks, I woke up like this. Fine, thanks.. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) Have a very happy weekend! I get what are you doing this weekend? or just what are you doing? on a Saturday morning. Every weekend! Hed ask me what Im doing for the weekend and when i started to tell him a selection of my actual plans hed cut me off while I was talking to make fun of how boring or lame I am or some other stupid comment. So threatening to make her move out is just not wise. Me: Nope. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. Then, I asked her, why did she ask ME? I immediately turn it around on them. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. Ex.1. And if I do want to see her, then I just tell her something freed up in my schedule and ask if shes available or if theres anything she wants to do.