An analysis of 11 cases of polygamous women transcribed verbatim showed a cluster of themes as infertility or having only female children, love marriage of husband, family pressure, the relationships among co-wives, and their coping strategies to accept this relationship in their marital life. 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. He enters willingly, eyes open, arms spread--he's the emotional version of a skydiver. There is splitting the assets, each person taking on whatever debt there is, plus paying attorney fees, etc. Thereafter you will be billed R75 per month. Shes a nurse, not one of those rude ones, and she was kind and very helpful. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! Remember, in a normal setup the wives are not enemies nor are they in competition, Maphalala points out. 2014; 5(27): 1058-1058. But the . 1.Why your spouse (husband) preferred 2nd or 3rd marriage? Though plural marriage is banned in developed courtiers, it is surprisingly common, and popular, that 55% of the women share their husbands in developed countries while an average of 16% of women in less developed nations. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. Polygamy is often confused with polyamory and bigamy. He was a handsome 25-year-old who worked as a miner, and when he asked her gogo if he could marry Lillian, Nomqondiso agreed. She said that time was very painful for me and my little daughters. Go figure. Treating me with the resentment of a union official watching a house being constructed with non-union labor, my erstwhile friend watched me build up and remodel my life. A few years ago, her mother was killed in a car accident. To sum up: I am married to a man I love and am lucky. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. She said, in the beginning, I was not happy but with time and being realistic I have admitted and have divided the household chores. 5. Hed moved from mining to owning a taxi business. , each person taking on whatever debt there is, plus paying attorney fees, etc. Challenges of Polygamy Partiality of husbands: this is where. You are a little older now, and you learned some harsh realities. While a second marriage can be successful, its still a relationship composed of two imperfect people. The design was flexible and consent was taken for an in-depth interview. Thats life. Unfortunately, those stereotypes are not accurate. It is still bound to have some of the same relationship issues that we all face from time to time. For Lillian Makhubalo* it was like a blow to the heart. The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. Lillian, for example, says she changed her mind because she could see how sorry Thamsanqa was for hurting her, and when he explained his reasons she was able to move from heartbreak to acceptance. Polyamory is not just about sex, both Farmer and Schippers point out, whereas open marriages, open relationships and swinging tend to emphasize the sexual parts of a relationship. She tried her best to convince her husband not to get married to another woman but she was not succeeded. His first marriage counted. "Eva*, now 60 was married to my father for 28 years, and then one day he said he would like to add two more wives - they were twins," she recalls. Most women dreaming of settling down probably aren't imagining doing so with a man who is already married. https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mothers experience was awful. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding. They know what they want and work hard they dont just take the mans words as the Bible.. She told, It was very shocking and tragic for me to have another female in my husband's life". Female infanticide and killing women for giving birth to a baby girl a case study of Pakistan inproceedings of socioint14-international conference on social sciences and humanities. A new law that went into effect in Kenya this week makes it legal for a man to marry as many women as he wants. Mrs. Abdullah also told though they have minor disputes among co-wives still they help each other. In Pakistan polygamous women also facing many psycho social problems because our society is far away from the original teachings of Islam about polygamy. A false rumour that men in Eritrea would be legally obliged to marry at least two women went viral this week. Both babies were through cesarean. Women experienced various degrees of emotional difficulties including jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness, and lack of intimacy with their spouses. She described that she was completely alone with her daughters after her husband's second marriage. Only 11 of the 26 women agreed to participate in the study. Current Psychology. She told her a tragic story. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. 2006;52(1); 5-17. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. When her husband refused, she said that she convinced and allowed her husband for second marriage. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. 2 Meet other future spouses. She said, "Emotions change with priorities". Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Journal of Moral Philosophy. I know in some families the children of the first wife have some sort of higher status, but this is my home and I dont want to raise my children like that, Thamsanqa says. These findings have implications for policymakers and family advisors. It doesnt mean that it cant be wonderful. So, she accepted this relationship. Thamsanqa clears his throat and holds his wifes hand as he tells us that after being married for 15 years, he knew he needed a second wife. To seek the coping strategies to accept the new relationship by co-wives. However, several limitations exist. International Nursing Review. Its like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. Rossi P. Strategic choices in polygamous households: Theory and evidence from Senegal. So, you're happily married to the Muslim man of your dreams when, suddenly, he drops the p-bomb: polygamy. The applicant argued that the second woman's marriage was invalid because she, the first wife, had not consented to it: a notion upheld by the North Gauteng High Court. And what if one of the wives has a problem with the way her husband is treating her? And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. I realized, several years after I remarried, that one of my oldest friends never quite forgave me for getting on with life after my divorce. Second marriages are like that. The real term for that arrangement is polygyny, "the practice or condition of having more than one wife at one time." Poly was defined above, and -gyny probably looks familar, from words like misogyny and gynecology: it's the Greek gyne, "woman." Formal permission was taken from the institution for data collection. You can cancel anytime and if you cancel within 14 days you won't be billed. Literature indicates that the structure of the polygamous women's families badly affected the psychological and social functioning of polygamous women and children [9-11]. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. She said that she and her husband was working in the same organization. Islam allows men to marry up to four wives at one time but the condition is to maintain equality and Justice in all the possession whatever a man holds in material means [1]. I live in a rented flat and pay half the rent. Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. She believed that by allowing for a co-wife, she too would be blessed to have a child. If he does so, either in public or secret, she has the right to divorce him. She always imposes a fine of 5,000 Malaysian ringgit (around $1,700) and six strikes of a cane. As when co-wives share their domestic chores, and other responsibilities of the family they become less possessive with time about their partners. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. And there remains a slight sense of imbalance. I was 14 when mom and dad told us Mam Thembi would be our second mother. In turn, some women don't tell their friends about their husband's other partners because young people in the region are becoming more outspoken on how polygamy is an arrangement that is designed. If the person in the second marriage who was married before didnt have children, then chances are they never have to even talk to their ex again. Her ex-husband died. She stated, I allowed a co-wife in my marriage because I was not able to have more children after my second child. The disadvantage of being a second wife Sense of insecurity The second wife will face insecurity toward her husband which will take her in a severe sense of doubts and auspiciousness. Both were a happy couple with 2 boys and 1 baby girl. She said that she convinced her husband for 2nd marriage because of her illness. Yet there are many other cultures that support a mans choice to take more than one wife and believe it is something that can benefit the women as well. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. I would never accept polygamy unless my husband decides to divorce me to marry a second wife. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. 2014; 8-10. Whats not typically expected is becoming a second wife. Mrs. Kamal was also a childless first wife from the past 6-8 years and she accepted a co-wife rather than divorce. The positive side of the study is to explore the advantages and strategies used by polygamous women were very significant. This is by far the most common (and the most frequently legal) form of polygamy. 1. Christianity condemns polygamy as an offence against the dignity of marriage, insisting that conjugal love between a man and wife must be mutual and unreserved, undivided and exclusive. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and. No one does; no little girl longs to grow up and walk down the aisle to the strains of "Here Comes the Second Bride, All Dressed in an Ivory Suit." Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. However, it is possible that a person is confronted with circumstances whereby he is unable to uphold his righteousness and purity, whilst maintaining relations with a sole lady, who happens to undergo periods of menstruation, pregnancy, delivery, suckling, and other forms of ailments, etc. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mother's experience was awful. Lower incentive to cheat in a marriage. Wed both been married before, but does that really matter? In many societies the concept of polygamy is frowned upon because it goes against the Western idea of loving, honouring and obeying one person until death do you part. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. Being a step-parent can be a very . The study investigated the causes of polygamy, outcomes, and women's coping strategies to deal with co-wives relationships. The outcomes of polygamous marriages have also been seen. Being Muslim doesn't change the biology of pain, of envy, and of sadnessthese are human emotions that are consequences of the act. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. In 1994, the Haryana Panchayati Raj Act disallowed people with more than two children from contesting local elections. Outcomes of polygamous marriages were a second theme generated by evaluating the relationships of co-wives. Love and (Polygamous) Marriage? The purpose of this study is to investigate married womens experiences in polygamous marriages and their ways of coping to accept this relationship. It is permissible for women and their family guardians to stipulate a condition in the marriage contract that the husband may not marry a second wife against her will. Even though there can be many advantages of being a second wife, you might feel inadequate when filling the spaces left behind by the ex-wife and kids. 3. But surprisingly enough, she understood and agreed to it. Sharing household chores: Mrs. Tanveer with time accepted her co-wife and living in the same home. Data collection from the participants may have been affected by differences in age, years, and rank in marriage, educational level, and religious faiths. Azad Chaiwala, CEO and founder of the Second Wife and Polygamy marriage websites. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. Islam allows for a man to marry up to 4 wives rather illegal relationship. Thus, two things relating to marriage have affected the overall percentage of the population who find polygamy acceptable: more unmarried people in the population, and the fact that these. She said, 2nd wife of my husband also helps me in daily households activities. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality. There are many things about a divorced family that can be nontraditional, especially holidays. You feel the need to establish more control over the decisions of your partner. In some countries like India, Iran, Iraq, Bangladesh, Algeria, Lebanon, Morocco, Jordan, and Kuwait allow a woman to include a clause prohibiting polygyny in marriage contacts. Azad Chaiwala says he first "came out" as polygamous when he was just 12 . Rachael Pace is a noted relationship writer associated with Marriage.com. Kadyrov's second wife also has a place to stay in Moscow, with three apartments registered in her name. However later on she has also accepted co-wife because of infertility and destiny. The appropriate strategies which are purposefully working by co-wives must be enhanced with proper education and implement programmers that teach coping mechanisms and stress management. "This evening I am with my wife a lone by my fire side for the first time for years," Young wrote in his diary in January 1842. Rahmanian P, Munawar K, Mukhtar F, Choudhry FR. Polygamy; Antecedents of Polygamy; Outcomes of Polygamy; Coping Strategies of Co-wives. When people. In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. At the very least, the term "second wife" has a very negative connotation. Marriage Counseling vs. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. Most Muslims do not practice polygamy. Since this is nobody's tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. Mrs. Imam was the first wife with a love marriage and she had two female children in three years. Then there are the kids. Al-Krenawi A, Graham JR. A Comparison of family functioning, life, and marital satisfaction, and mental health of women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. Your spouse may still have lingering feelings associated with the former marriage, including guilt, shame, regret, anger, sadness, or many others. Its not a series of glittering evenings drinking martinis in smoky bars. disadvantages of being a second wife islam. A qualitative methodology was adopted to explore the experiences of polygamous women. Cecilia says her husband married a second wife purely for his own physical desires and greed. One female Mrs. Abdullah was feeding a new born baby she was 3rd wife of her husband. He proposed for marriage to me as a second wife. Inmany countries all over the world, polygamy is not permitted by law and marrying multiple partners is simply not allowed. The findings of the study indicate that polygamy is a painful and bitter pill for most women to swallow. She was living with her husband first 10 years of her marriage. Though she faced a lot of criticism from the first wife. In addition, the interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA) was used to generate a wide range of perceptions and opinions that women carry out about their experiences in polygamous family structures. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. 2020; 39(2): 750-760. Data collection was not collected scientific way because of qualitative study and the findings cannot be generalized beyond the women in this study [24,25]. This practice of taking on another wife while still married to the first one is called polygamy, not to be confused with origami - which is the art of folding colored papers. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. 6. Its a hard stigma to run away from and can lead to many second marriage challenges. 2005; 44(1): 81-98. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. Theyre all equal and these two women are their mothers equally. Both verbal and written consent was obtained. In times of uncertainty you need journalism you can trust. Six were first (senior) wives, four were second wives, and one was the 3rd wife in status. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). So second marriages tend to have less of the giddiness and more of the serious daily life attached. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. It means if your husband is a citizen or green card holder, he. In literature, the problems faced by polygamous women were highlighted. No, it is illegal.Under Section 494 of the Indian Penal Code, if a person marries a second time, without a divorce, while their spouse is alive, the marriage is considered bigamy, which is a punishable offense. The psychological health of women is essential to raising a sound, healthy family and should receive high priority, particularly in developing countries where resources are limited. Few helped financially in return for child-rearing to the senior wives. What kind of man has three wives and no job? Eva wasnt happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. If that doesnt work then they go to the husband and present their cases, and the husbands role is to restore peace. Children can complicate matters further as each mother might feel the maternal pull to protect her own offspring more than the children of the other wives. And reassure her of your love. They found his second wife together a woman who was a regular on one of his taxi routes. It is an option. Mrs. Mustafa was another 1st wife. She was married to Mr. Imam due to family pressure when he had already a wife with 2 children. 4. Which Board Game Sums Up Your Life: "Aggravation"? ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry received 934 citations as per google scholar report, Research Article - ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (2021), Received: 20-Nov-2021 She told she was also present during the delivery. I didnt really get it, but my parents are big on communication in a weeks time I was on board. Thembi says she knows people often question polygamous marriages but shes adamant that sometimes the women gain a lot more than the men. You know, its so sad because the new wives are also being treated horribly by my father but theyre too proud to talk to my mother because of the way they mistreated her.. She said," My husband helped me to survive emotionally and financially". Women need to be empowered with education and positive affirmation of self-worth. Eva wasn't happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. Ja, I like these young ones, Lillian interrupts and they all laugh. The study is not against polygamy but the need to improve the family structure of polygamous families is a major concern. Polygamous women though claimed that polygamy has disadvantages but to them, divorce is not an option. Should second wives post billboards proclaiming that we are not necessarily women who flounce through life wearing ankle bracelets, feather boas, and alligator shoes? These themes were generated from the co-wives experiences. Its not like I wasnt married before, too. But it was a happy marriage for her with 2 children (one boy and one girl). They adhere to the rules that all three of us set for them, like normal children. Zakhele walks in with his youngest brother, Thembekile*, 2, in his arms. Her in-laws forced her husband to marry another female because of only female children. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". But Im his last.. Mrs. Tanveer (first wife) has accepted the co-wife relationship because to her religion has allowed the man for multiple wives. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome.. Polygamy has become common practice in many communities including Pakistan. The study was an attempt to gain perspective about the causes of polygamy, its consequences, and the most important womens ways of coping strategies in polygamous marriages. Cross-Cultural Research. Divorce can be an expensive proposition. Of importance is the need to disseminate the findings of studies like this one to those who are in a position to make change a reality. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. Tabi MM, Doster C, Cheney T. A qualitative study of women in polygynous marriages. composed of two imperfect people. Mrs. Amir was the 2nd wife and also had no children her husband married her for children and his family again forced him for 3rd wife by giving the reference of the religious doctrine. Second theme: outcomes of polygamy as jealousy, unhappiness, and loneliness due to injustice, by the spouse were explored as potential pitfalls of polygamy. He might marry a second wife before his divorce is complete, for example. I will make another video using your. She had only one daughter. I told her that if it was going to make her unhappy I would forget about the whole idea. They were much younger than my mother, just eight years older than me. Instead it is the familiar routine of waking to an arm around your waist, the companionable bathroom talk with mouths full of toothpaste, and the idea that someone will know if you dont make it home at night. Consent i s the keyword. This can make for a challenging home life from day to day. Mrs. Imam, Mrs. Ahmad, Mrs. Kamran, and Miss Nadia also admitted co-wives relationship and compromised with this relationship (Table 3). The questions were translated into English according to the needs of international journal. Also, if your husband has financial problems, he had no right to marry you in the first place. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. These reasons are in line to some extent with the current outcomes as infertility and having only female children was also one of the major factors for polygamous marriage. Ibn Qudamah writes: Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. She should approach him first and address the issue, Maphalala suggests. Bigger families imply more connections. She almost lost her life I couldnt bear the thought of losing her. He kisses the back of Lillians hand as he talks. | 70% of those second marriages end in divorce. Thobejane TD, Flora T. An exploration of polygamous marriages: A worldview. It can be challenging when you expect those normally happen times of the year to be a certain way, but then they arent so much. In another study man's wife having been diagnosed with a mental health problem, infertility, a man has only daughters or having children mentally and physically sick or man's wife older than he is, and exchange marriage are common reasons were discussed in a previous study. Bigamy occurs when one man illegally marries more than one woman. And more children too they are all so respectful and loving, a clear example of the home theyre being brought up in.. Journalism strengthens democracy. But then came Thamsanqas shattering statement. Mrs. Amir (second wife) and Mrs. Kamal (first wife) were felt lonelier and criticized by their family because of infertility and the new wives were getting more privilege socially and financially because of having children. 2. In Muslim families the textual basis is provided by the Holy Quran for the practice of polygamy: "Marry women of your choice two, or three, or four, but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one". Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. Provide the three areas that were Islamized. Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. The 58-year-old and her husband, Thamsanqa*, 65, married when Lillian was 18. There was a higher prevalence of somatization, depression, anxiety, hostility, paranoid ideation, psychoticism, general symptom severity, positive symptoms total, and psychiatric disorder, as well as lower ratings of life and marital satisfaction, family functioning, and self-esteem among polygamous wives [ 12 ]. In this concern two research experts (co-authors) were consulted. She said being Muslim I should follow and admit the true teachings of Islam." Al-Krenawi A, Slonim-Nevo V. Psychosocial and familial functioning of children from polygynous and monogamous families. But that doesnt mean that they arent a little wounded. "Risk"? One of the hardest aspects of being a second wife is having to deal with the emotional baggage of the failed marriage. In the Muslim world, polygamy is acknowledged because it is supported and associated with religious doctrine as well as a fair and legal way of relationship. Rehman J. But after few months it was disclosed. Hence, before you embark on your marital journey, you must understand the second marriage problems and how to handle them. Lower risk that people get bored in a marriage. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Though later on, she had a good relation with 2nd wife. If the wives have any conflict they first need to try to resolve it among themselves, says historian and cultural expert Professor Jabulani Maphalala. I'm seven months pregnant. Polygamy is the general, gender-neutral term for any marriage between three or more people.Polygyny is a specific term used to describe a marriage that includes one husband and at least two wives. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. A Tajik court found him guilty of polygamy and of driving her to suicide, but spared him a jail sentence and ordered him to pay a $1,300 fine. An interview guide was prepared before conducting interviews which were consisted of the following research questions based on literature. Community awareness of the effects of polygamy on women through media campaigns is a beginning step. Jealousy: Jealousy is a common response to protect ones relationship [14]. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. Mrs. Abdullah also had a love marriage. The main strength of this study is that it provides preliminary data on women in polygamous marriages and the foundation for further research. "I'm in a traditionalist polygamist relationship. It stayed almost one year that we hide our relation to his first his wife, because he told me, that he want to inform his wife, when he will be in front of her, since that she was in her home country and it .